Dog Shit-
It smells. Looks awful on the streets and on the sidewalks. If you Step in it your shoes are never the same, no matter what! It is DOG SHIT!
So NYC has imposed fines for not scooping it up and put up signs all over telling people to do so. Great Job right? WRONG! Example:
The cute girl who lives across the street from you, who you bump into at the wine store, the gym, Lenny’s etc etc. Seems like a great girl. She just friended you on Facebook and she wants to meet for a drink. You Friend her-she had great bikini pictures from her trip to the Bahamas, you find out she works at Bank of America (Sugar mama), and even has hot friends- for my friends. Awesome!
Then-one morning you are walking out of your apartment to get breakfeast. She is right out front of your apartment with her dog Raven (who is small, loud and annoying) you walk towards her to say hi, then-THEN in mid-step towards her she reaches down and with a clear plastic bag wrapped around her hand picks up a pile of dog her dogs SHIT. Did I mention she did this with her hand! Sure there was a bag around her arm. Just the fact that she touched it with her hand repulsed me. I started dry heaving and almost threw up right in her face. But the skilled veteran that I am, I kept my composure. We spoke for a minute, exchanged pleasantries then I went to breakfast. The incident did cut my appetite in half and only allowed me to finish half of my Snapple. I just could not get over it. I still can’t. She reached down and just picked up shit. She didn’t even wince or blink! I know when I have a baby I will have to play around with poop. But dog shit is different. Plus I will be in my own house clearing up baby poop and sterilizing the whole freaking house. Not in the middle of a busy NYC street. I just look at this girl as dirty now. I don’t know why. I refuse to ask her out and didn’t return her Facebook poke. I know she probably has showered and washed her hands 100x since. I just can’t imagine going out with this girl or even letting her touch me. Filth!
Damn dog shit!
New Jersey-
Not that anyone cares about this place anyways. But how do you elect a governor with two first names? And have them be names of different sexes?? Chris-Christie. How dumb is that name and how much abuse did he get as a kid? Also, the guy looks like Luca Brasi from the GODFATHER?? I am sure Tony Soprano is pissed!
Make a Wish-
I just learned when you take the last cigarette out of the pack or the one from someone else’s pack you’re supposed to make a wish. How dumb is this practice? Maybe they should wish not to see those commercials anymore with the tar in people’s lungs or with the people with missing limbs. Even better, I wish a pack of cigarettes wasn’t $12 dollars! Morons.
Halloween-
I know two weeks has passed, but I forgot to add this little tid-bit. I hate when you can’t tell what people’s costumes are!!! I also hate when Fat girls think they look hot as “Slutty Cheerleader”. No- you could not fit into the cheerleader costume in high school-you can’t at 26!!!!! Also if you have a wedding on Halloween. either A. Let people dress up and have it be awesome or B. jut be cheap and miserable and don’t let people dress up.
I-Tweet for People:
Lindsay Lohan: I am a crack whore. I will be dead by the end of 2010. Don’t throw a party!
Oprah: I am fatter and more annoying this year. Buy more magazines!
Octo-Mom- Remember me?? I have 8 kids. I am going to make a porn. Please pay attention to me.
Sarah Palin- I wrote a book. Well not really but my name and picture is on the cover. Also there are words in it. Nothing to color! Boo. You betcha it is good.
Chris Brown- Rhianna you bitch. Stop going on TV and telling people I treated you like a speed back. I am trying to promote my album. If not I am going to Fuck you up!
Hugh Heffner- What is my name again? Will someone please come and change my diaper?
Lamar Odom- Can I trade my fat-annoying pig wife for future Draft picks? Or to the Knicks?
DJ AM- Trapped in a DJ booth in hell with Michele Jackson. He keeps requesting “I want to sex you up”. Get me out of here!!! Or send crack ASAP.
Please click on the Links Below
The 1st link came from Pig Vomits little brother. While he practices better personal hygiene then his older brother. Believe it or not- He actually gets more annoying and less funny when he gets drunk!
Dystonia is a neurological movement disorder in which sustained muscle contractions cause twisting and repetitive movements or abnormal postures.[1] The disorder may be inherited or caused by other factors such as birth-related or other physical trauma, infection, poisoning (e.g. lead poisoning) or reaction to drugs, particularly neuroleptics.[1]
Now if you Laugh your human. If you don’t your lying to yourself!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPgMo_l_cis
ALSO this link-Reason 1000 why old people and women should not be allowed to drive.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33802173/ns/world_news-weird_news/?gt1=43001
THE SPORTS WORLD
Yankee Fans. Please stop jerking off to the championship. If you were real new yorkers you would realize the Knicks and Giants/Jets are sucking ass now! So no more YANKEE Facebook updates. Saying stupid things like Yankxiety, Or world Champs baby 27 down 27 to go!
Or The Yankees win, The Yankees win. How un-fucking original and annoying. It is the middle of November! Get a new update.
As for my Knicks and the possibility of Lebron James coming to N.Y to save us. I beg of him to do so. Please save us. Lebron wore specially made Yankee sneakers from some sweatshop in china. They had a special number 27 on them. I don’t care if get a Yankee Tattoo on his face. I don’t care if he wears the green speedo from Borat The movie. Just come to N.Y and rescue theKnicks. We don’t need Yankee/N.Y fans in Cleveland. Also speaking of numbers-LBJ wants to wear number 6 next year and have #23 (Micheal Jordans number) retired around the league. (This next rant is if Leborn doesn’t come to N.Y. If he comes all is forgiven). You dumb ignorant prick. Retire Jordan's number? What significant thing did Jordan ever do off of the basketball court? Sure he sold a lot of over priced sneakers which people lost their lives for, sold crack to buy. But lets honor him? Let the guy who doesn't get into politics or charity at all get his number retired like he is Jackie Robinson?? Lets retire Barry Bonds number too!! Lebron I forget sometimes that your only 24 and that you didn’t go to college. Just please try and pick up a book or a newspaper hear and there. Just not Sarah Palins. Thanks.
TV
Coming soon on MTV, better know as the TV station the rest of the world watches and hates us for. Is doing a series on the Jersey Shore. No, not the nice classy Beach's where rich people have million dollar homes on the water. Or Atlantic city and its revival from the mid 1970’s. Instead it focus on Belmar and the trash it attracts from Staten island and other parts of New Jersey (Not all people from S.I are trash. I am currently seeing this very cute and classy girl from there). I am sure the show will focus on people with spiked hair, GED’s, Fake boobs, Redbull, Tattoo’s, hookup’s, Big nails and a lot of Fake Tans. I am sure the plot lines will be of Shakespearean proportions and will leave us with cliff hangers like: Who scratched my BWM and did Vinny Batz make out with his ex while they were on Ecstasy in the hot tube. Truly educational TV and so creative. I cannot fucking wait to watch!
The Mutual Friend Option on Facebook-
Facebook is like Crack. I want to email the curly-haired, virgin, billionaire creator. Dear Geek. Please add the Mutual-Mutual Friend option. This was you can click on a two different people and see what Friends they have in common. For example- you meet a girl from Westchester-Now-you know she isn't friends with the girl you used to play hide-the- Frisbee with. BUT-you want to make sure they don’t have any mutual friends in common. Thus letting the old Frisbee receivers friends apply any hate or have any unwanted issues. Mutual-Mutual Friend. Coming soon to Facebook!!!
Next Week:
I talk about my prolem with losing shoes.
The Debate-How old is to Old for a Summer Share house??
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