Welcome Back. Happy New Year etc and all that other Jazz.
The Happy New Year phrase should only be said on Jan 1, maybe said up until 5pm Jan 2nd. I do not need to be hearing it every 12 seconds, almost a freaking week after the actual new year. If I hear it in February, I swear I will kick someone in the head.
But a new year has come and I smile with the wonderful possibilities that it posses.
I have a few resolutions for myself. Nothing crazy. I really don't set my sights or goals that high. Who the hell wants to be that guy?
I promise I will keep living life to the Maximum.
I will continue to spread joy and ridiculousness to all.
That’s the positive: The Bad:
On the Flip side. 2010 I will be calling people out; straight up in ya face type stuff. If I have to backhand-smack someone so be it. I will also try and cure my addiction of fast food and fast-women. I need a little luck on that one. I think Jesus may have to come down and sit on my couch for that kind of help.
I will also be going Retro this year. Bringing back some old childhood stories/memories. This way you readers can get to know the whole truth. Of why I am me.
But overall-Life is good- I look forward to what is to come.
New Years Eve I didn’t smooch and bunnies at midnight on NYE. (Later in the night is a different story-Wink Wink).
I think this midnight kiss thing is pretty stupid. Please don’t even think, pretend or act like I am saying this because I didn’t do it this year. We all know that if I wanted to lip-lock someone, I would have had to start a waiting list for the countless prospects. I just think doing a shot, giving a chest bump with one of your friends or a simple hug is better. Think back on your life and about all of the random/different people you kissed at Midnight? How did those years turn out? I am sure those people are still in your lives. Instead of a smooch why not stay home and be boning when the ball drops? That’s a lot cooler than a little peck on the lips. That is my new goal for 11:59pm on December 31st 2011. Mid-doggie style as the ball drops. Just wait and see.
Wedding Gift Insurance and Gift Tracker- As many of you know 2009 was the year of marital bliss for many people I know. For me it was just spending tons of money on other peoples new houses and over the top honeymoons. I am keeping an excel spreadsheet, listing the gifts that I have given and whom I gave them too. This way I can recoup all the money I dolled out. So if you are reading this please know you have to match or increase the amount I have given you. I also will have a column adjusting the amount for inflation. If I don’t like the person whose wedding I was at, I am still going to invite them to mine. A gift is a damn gift.
A friend of mine is getting divorced. 31 years old. Sad, Yes. His now ex-wife is a whore who cheated on him. I was thinking about smashing her head in with a baseball bat for my friend, but i think people would frown upon that. So it is a no go. I told him to email everyone at her office the naked pictures he has of her. But do it after she gets her bonus. (She works in banking and makes $$). So on the good side he will walk away with more than he came in with. Finally, a win for the good guys.
But my real concern is my wedding gift. I don't mind my boy kept the cash. But the law says split it up and that's what's going to happen. What if she took her $250 and invested it and turned it into $1,00,000. Shouldn't I have some right to that money? My boy is going to blow it all on Jameson and Steak. I will be right by his side, supporting him. So we are even. But what is she turns my gift into a fortune for herself? I think and I ponder- Then: Genius
I have my millionth great idea.
Wedding Insurance! It is a policy that if your friend gets divorced, the insurance company will refund your half of the gift and if it was invested, you get a piece of the profit/return! Genius. It is like having health or auto insurance. Marriages may fail, we should not have to be punished for it.
TV- I have not really been watching to much the past two weeks. I am sure nothing drastic or life changing has happened. I am sure next week, the absurdness of it all will continue.
Buying Condoms- Why at 28 do I still feel awkward buying condoms? Everyone is supposed to use them, it should be like buying deodorant. But is isn't. I always find myself looking around to see who is watching me browse the section. It is as if I am shoplifting or something. I always either put them at the bottom of my basket and bury them under stuff. When I don’t have a basket, I put them under my arm-pit like it’s a football. Even when I get to the counter I semi-hang my head in shame and slide the condoms over the counter like it is a drug deal. It is if i am saying “yes I am having sex tonight, now ring put it in the bag”. The worst is when the counter girl smiles when she picks them up. But I don't. I just rush out the door,defeated . Maybe buying online is the new solution.
2010 Dirt Nap Guessing Game- 2009 was a big year for people taking the six-foot plunge. There were some very notable and high profile people who are now pushing Daisy's. MJ, Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Britney Murphy, Walter Cronkite (I think), Liam Niesens wife whatever her name was. And many a few others. I am starting my own 2010 Dead pool. Email me for details/point rankings. Basically each Person gets 5 picks and each pick will be assigned points. The person with the most points wins. This is like Fantasy sports only we are picking dead people. Here are my picks and the reasons they get their point amounts.
Hugh Hefner +1 (He only gets 1 point because he is almost 100 and has to die soon. This is a safety pick)
Miley Cyrus +3 (You think she would be worth more points, but young Hollywood is just one bad coke sniff or one bad heroin trip away from a meeting with Lucifer)
Kate Hudson +9 (She is worth a lot of points because I just feel she is going to around for 40 years, clogging up the theaters with bad Romantic comedies and her flat chest. I only picked her because it is more of a fantasy then an actually I think she may die pick)
Jose Canseco +3 (Low points on him because of steroids and the fact he may kill himself just to sell more copies of his book)
Andy Rooney +2 (He is more than Hefner because his eyebrows may be from another planet and have some mystical powers. So he may survive until 2011). I make this pick knowing that some people who read this don’t even know him or have ever watched 60 minutes. Google-Him.
So I am hoping to win it this year. A 17 would be huge!! But I would be happy with a 12+. We will find out Jan 1 2011. Let the games and prayers begin.
New LAW- If you have just died you cannot receive an award for your Movie/album that year. Let’s be honest, Dead people get the sympathy vote. It is basically cheating.
Next Week. I re-cap My Trip to Asia. Insane to say the least.
The best is yet to come!
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