I knew this trip was going to be Gwynnteresting from the start. I just didn’t think it would be constant amusement from beginning to end.
The purpose of this little vacation was to visit my little brother who is currently teaching English in Seoul, Korea. Along for the trip was My Mom-Dangerous Donna-My Sister-Rachel aka Weezie and myself
My brother has a blog http://iliveinkorea.blogspot.com/ his blog is more about traveling, the culture differences and his life over there. While mine is purely about nonsense.
. Before we went to Korea we first stopped first for a few days in Beijing, China.
Ben flew over to meet up with us. We were just there to do some touristy stuff etc. Then we were off to Seoul Korea to see my brother’s school, apartment and do some more touristy stuff.
The Mile high club- I always hoped I would one day gain membership into this somewhat elusive and illustrious club. When I used the bathroom on this flight I realized, it is freaking impossible! No way, No how! Unless you are an Ethiopian toothpick or you butt-fuck yourself there is no way one can get laid in an airplane bathroom. What position could a couple possibly do? Say you sit on the seat and the female sits down on your lap. Impossible, because her head is already hitting the ceiling. Bend her over? No chance. I could not even tie my shoe in there. But I analyzed it in every angel. I even had a sketch pad and took notes. It is truly impossible. I really no longer believe anyone who tells me they have done it.
The Great wall- It really is something everyone should actually go see in their life time. I rarely am speechless and in awe of things, but this thing was unreal. Some advice: Don’t go if it is -4 degrees out. Do not go if you are hung over. Do not go if you are out of shape. Do not go after flying 40 hours and getting 3 hours sleep. OR all of the above the way I encountered it.
It was amazing. Our tour guide let us know The Great Wall of China and the Staten Island Garbage Dump (I swear) are the only man made things you can see from outer space. Another knock for S.I. Sorry Ne-se’.
Dinner with a Friend- My friend Cindy also lives in Seoul. One night she and I met for dinner and some SO-JO (pronounced so Jew). So-Ju is sort of like vodka but this stuff has no taste and gets you even more wrecked! Cindy and Ben don’t forget to bring me home a few bottles! While at dinner I notice a few stares coming from the other tables. I give a few mean faced stares back. Then I realize that there are only groups of men in the restaurant. I later found out that all the men go out to get drunk together and they leave their wives at home, to cook-clean and take care of the kids. I love some of the Asian traditions!
In the middle of our meal Cindy gets up and goes to the ladies room. Two older men immediately walk over to my table. I am not going to lie, I thought for a second they were going to kung fu me or something. Instead they just bow their heads and politely say “Your girlfriend and her yerrow hair are very beautiful. You must be a very lucky and rich man back in America”. I wanted to piss myself. I never heard someone call blonde hair, yerrow or yellow. Funny. And why did they assume I was rich? Do only rich guys date blondes? I guess I didn’t get the memo. Because of her Yerrow hair Cindy has been in some of the same situations my brother has. Little kids pointing at them, staring and running up to them yelling things at them then running away laughing. They must have thought I was Godzilla over there.
Karaoke- It is 100% true-Asians love Karaoke and it is super huge over there! The places are open 24 hours a day. They have Private V.I.P rooms with bottle service, the works. I didn’t get a chance to do my best Biggie Smalls Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems rendition, but next 100% time.
Weird Customs and Other Strange/Different things-
-Spitting in the streets is o.k. Hocking a nasty big green double boogie loogie- is 100% COOL.
They even smile at you when they do it. But you can’t use a tooth pick in public there. That’s a no-no
-At meals they only give one menu. Even if you are with 6 people-1 Menu for the entire table.
Also the dinner bill is always handed to the oldest male at the table. No matter what! The bills kept coming my way over and over! Damn those old Asian customs.
-They do not hand out forks at meals. Even if you ask 80% of the places don’t have them. So it was either don’t eat or learn to use chop sticks, quick. I picked the latter and am now a ninja with chop sticks.
-The Table button. At most restaurants they have a button on the table for you to summon the wait-staff at your will. This thing is great! You press it and someone is there is a second. It is nuts. Ring. More water. Ring. Low Sodium soy sauce please. Ring. New napkin. Ring. Sorry pressed it by accident. I need to bring it to America.
-People in those Doctors masks. They are every where! Some had designs on them like cats, Dracula fangs, etc. Every single airport employee in both Beijing and Seoul had the masks on. From the pilots/bag check/janitor and even food serves in the food court. I couldn’t really understand some of these people when they spoke without masks. Now I have to decipherer that shit with a mask over their face.
-China bans Facebook and Twitter! You cannot get to these websites. Where would our lives be without Facebook and hearing about dumb what dumb celebrities Tweet? We would probably be a lot better at math and reading.
-Advice for chicks who can’t get guys here in the good old U.S of A. If your busty (and or Like to show some cleavage) and or blonde. Move to Asia. Dudes will worship you!
-Height. I really can’t remember the last time I truly felt tall .Probably, Never. But in Asia I am huge! I even had to duck down a few times! It was awesome
- Asians love Michael Jackson. Love him! He could have gone there had 500 little Asian boys and done whatever he wanted the kids and their parents would have loved it!!! No lawsuits, no settlements nothing. When the kids got to old they could have even sewn him a few dozen sequenced jackets and pants sets!! MJ was living in the wrong freaking place!!
-I was wearing my Motley Crue-Dr Feel good T-shirt and a Jordan hoodie at the airport and some Chinamen says “Tommy Ree” and gives me the thumbs up. I giggled. Did he really think I was him or was he just breaking my chops? Not sure. But I did realize the “Thumbs up” has replaced the Two finger peace sign as the true international symbol of universal sign language.
Santa Con- In America when you think of Christmas you think of Santa Claus. You think about Jesus being born. You think about getting presents as kids and playing in the snow. Then we grow up and we dress up like Santa Claus and go around to a bunch of different bars and get drunk one afternoon. Personally I think it is a dumbass idea.
(No-No you did look sexy in your outfit thought)
But it is just dumb idea. Halloween is the only day for dress up! Santa Con excludes jews-muslims-pagans and Jehovah witness! Some of them are pretty fun to get drunk with. Why exclude them?
But anyways, Santa Con is huge in China. No big deal? Well considering that 95% of the county is Buddhist or doesn’t even have a religion it is an eye opener. Christ’s birth has just become so commercial and has lost its significance. What a shame. In China they also do a thing called “Santa Samurai”. Where they scribble Tally marks on their Santa hats to keep track of how many beers and shots they drink. Pretty amusing.
So long Asia. Thanks for the memories. I’ll be back!!!
The Chocolate Donut-hot chocolate-plane throw up story. I cannot even write about this. I will have to tell this face to face. But it is a good one. Remind me when you see me.
Going Home.
I start chatting it up in the galley/kitchen/bathroom area with this cute Black British girl Samantha on the plane going home. I think she is real into me. Then I realize there are literally no other non-Asians on the plane except her and I. So, she was basically stuck talking to me. She also mentioned her boyfriend casually about 2 minutes into the start of the conversation, right after I started ogling her up and down. Hey, it happens. We still spoke for a while, just about her trip-my trip and all that stuff. For some reason Retards came up in conversation. Or should I say the mentally challenged. I said I have never seen a mentally challenged Asian person ever! Then I said I have never seen a middle eastern/Arab person who was mentally challenged either. She giggled and said you don’t know? I asked what. She said they discard them. I was like discard them? Like from the movie “300”. Where they chuck them off cliffs when they are born if they are mentally challenged? She said not exactly that way but it is unspoken and it is very much practiced. Holy shit! I thought. That truly is crazy
I get her Facebook info and she tells me to friend her. I did and she DENIED!! Ouch.
It felt freaking great walking out of the airport, getting into a smelly filthy cab in which the driver spoke no English and talked on his cell phone the whole entire time. It was great. Walking into my tiny apartment, showering and dropping deuce in own bathroom, with my personal magazines. I even had Lenny’s Deli, which is 100 feet away delivered to my door. I didn’t care. I didn’t pretend I had a sprained ankle, the way I usually do when I am super hung over and to lazy to walk. I was back home, where I can be a “lazy American” and be proud.
Next Week:
Dirt Nap updates.
GwynneFlix Movie reviews/recommendations.
Top 10 most annoying things about Facebook.
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