Have you ever seen a suggestion box at a Restaurant/Health club/ Grocery Store? You are supposed to write down what you like or what you think the place can improve upon. Great concept. But I am 100% positive only real big losers and old people do this.
BUT-
Wouldn’t it be great if people had their own suggestion box? So others can anonymously tell them what their new years resolutions should be or how they should improve themselves? Hey _______ stop blowing every guy on the 1st date, make him work a little bit. Or it would be a good idea if you got your breath checked. It smells like Warm Cat Shit. Thanks. Signed by Great advice from a friend.
You may ask, 3 weeks into the New Year how are my own resolutions going?
Wonderful:
Start running. I got new Shoes; they are still in the box. They box is under a stack of old magazines I was supposed to read and recycle Jan 1st-3rd. Working on this one.
Stop Hanging out with Crazy girls. Last week I hung out with a girl whom I have already sworn off 30x in my life. But hey why not? give it another shot! So how did it go? The same way it always did AWFUL. I may never learn. Starting this one again.
Keep in better contact with my Mom and Brother. This I actually have been doing. Score one for ME.
I am not drinking or going out until the Super bowl- This thing lasted about 36 hours. I was out drinking all freaking day on Sunday January 3rd. I gave myself a mulligan on it and said from that Monday the 4th until the Super bowl I was going to keep my resolution. But alas, I went out that Friday the 9th. Then again Sunday the 11th. Then again this past Thursday, Friday and Sunday. It has been a month of sin.
I resolute to never resolute again!
Top 10 Most Annoying things on Facebook.
People who constantly change their relationship status: I am single. -I am in a relationship. (You went on one date!). He/she didn’t call for a week, now it’s complicated. Wait-now I am single again. Maybe 2% of the people I actually care about their relationship status. There should really only be 3 status’. Dating-Engaged-Married. This way there is no grey area. Dating is a loose term, but if you are not engaged or married, you’re just dating. Period.
People who become Fans of stupid things: No, that is not something you can become an actual fan of yet of, but it should be. The stupid things people become fans of like “Text Messaging” “Closing the door behind me when I leave” “Or I used to blow in video games, when I was your age”. But some of them are just so dumb it is infuriating. Become a fan of some porn star, Athlete, Movie that you like. I get it, your trying to show the world who you are. It is like a boy scout having merit badges. But stop becoming fans of such basic and dumb things!!!!
People who put their pets in their profile pictures: For some, this may be an upgrade. I want to see you in a bikini or making a fool of yourself. Not a damn Dog or Goldfish!
That Facebook suggests you write on someone’s wall: FB, there is a reason I didn’t write on that persons wall, so shut it. The reason they are my friend in most cases is that I didn’t want to reject them when they requested me. Or that I like to semi stalk them. So thanks for the suggestion, but I suggest you leave me alone.
People who update their status every 8 seconds and give a play by play of their daily lives: I am eating an oatmeal cookie. I am having milk. I am watching Oprah. Shut up and choke on that cookie.
The super-depressed and miserable person: Keep these fucking Edgar Allen Poe wannabes off Facebook. Is every fucking day in your life the worst? Status updates like ugggggg I can’t take it anymore!! Why are men all the same? Blah, blah, blah. Get off the computer, go read a self help book or just jump out the window. Thanks!
People who give play by plays of sporting events: I do not need commentary from you. I don’t care if the Mets are in the World Series and they have bases loaded. Let me watch the game.
Girlfriends-Boyfriends who write on each others walls: Stop making us sick with sappiness and happiness. You guys just saw the Notebook. You don’t have to write on his Facebook wall three seconds after he leaves and say you feel like Rachel McAdams right now. Save the melodrama. He lives two blocks away in his mother’s basement. He isn’t going to war.
The Event Invite: O.K these have became a bit much. I don’t need to be reminded every single week that someone is bartending somewhere. It is not and event, it is a fucking JOB. You work every week! I might start sending event invites every time I take a shit. See how people like that.
People who put their blogs up, trying to promote how funny and witty they are: Those self promotion arrogant fucks. Don’t they know they are on their way to maybe managing a McDonalds? They are just so really un-funny.
GwynneFlix-
Choke- Based on the book with the same name. This is written by Chuck Pahalichuck, writer of Fight Club. The movie is about a guy who is a sex addict and goes to meetings to meet women. His best friend is a chronic masturbator (Insert one of many of my friends names here) and the main characters mother is crazy, hilarious and in a mental home. This movie was all too real.
9 ½ weeks- This movie is an oldie but a goodie. It stars Kim Basinger, who is in the prime of her life and gives a Jenna Jameson porn star performance, in some of the sex scenes. It also stars Mickey Rorke whom I didn’t even recognize. He was a good-looking dude back in the day. Now his face looks like a Burnt Camel Testicle. The movie is about a single chick who meets this dude and they just have wild sex. Wild, wild sex. All over the place, roll playing, 3 ways etc. This thing should be NC-17. I was erect almost 67% of the time. Now I know why Alec Baldwin married this sex-freak.
Dirt Nap updates-
Casey Johnson this former pillar of society was the first meaningless person to be worm food for 2010. Congrats goes out to her. But sadly, Nobody had her in the pool, I didn’t even know who she was until she bit the dust and it was on the damn COVER of two New York Newspapers (The Apocalypse truly is coming). But maybe dying is the best thing that happened to her. She would never have made the news any other way! Go Casey, Go Casey, GO.
Artie Lang- Howard Stern’s Hefty sidekick tried to commit suicide last week. Allegedly he had “hesitation wounds” which were self inflicted from him trying to stab himself to death. C’mon -Really!? He would need a chainsaw to cut thought his beluga whale of a body. He wasn’t even trying to kill himself! He was eating and a meatball fell from his mouth, was rolling all over his body and he kept trying to stab it, so he could shove it back in his mouth. I have had a few people pick him up on the wavier wire to take the plunge this year. His point value was re-assed to being +3. Cholesterol, Gout, the possibility of a Heart attack and or him choking while trying to eat a frozen turkey are far more likely than him committing suicide. Better luck next time Artie.
Lets cross our fingers somebody good bites the dust soon!!
Next Week-
The Booty Call Tipping Point!
God speed.
Posts
