It was the great Jewish Poet-Philosopher Jerry Seinfeld who introduced us to the rules of “Friends with benefits/ The Booty Call Rules”
The Episode was called “The Deal” Jerry and Elaine create a simple set of rules for banging while staying friends.
a. No calls the next day.
b. The Sleepover is optional
c. The Kiss good night is as well.
Since the show has not been on for over a Decade, I update, expand and introduce the new booty call bill of rights. Due to the technical and social networking advances we have had since than.
1. No calls the Next Day: This should be a firm and unbreakable rule. Some people don’t have unlimited cell phone plans, there is a recession out there. A thank you text should always be sent to the person whose apartment the deed took place at. No need for anything more.
2. The Sleepover is optional: I do not need to wake-up with your dog licking my Face or Ass. Yes, I don’t mine cuddling but I do it with girlfriends, not booty calls.
I would possibly sleepover if you promised to make breakfast. Or if there was a guarantee of a morning B.J. If not the sleepover is optional.
3. The Kiss Good bye: This 100% can never involve tongue. The cheek is fine, forehead acceptable. Lips are also o.k. but only after a mouth wash session or some serious teeth scrubbing.
4. The Inappropriate Question Wavier: A person in a B-C cannot ask questions such as where were you last night? Or why didn’t you answer my call or Text? The person who did not respond is only required to text back a quick “Hey what’s up” whenever he or she is free. No apology, no explanation needed. A booty call is not a parole officer so reporting on whereabouts is optional.
5. This applies to Facebook Pictures: If you look at pictures on my Facebook page and-or I show you personal pictures one day, you cannot ask certain questions. “Did you F*ck her too” or “Who is that $lut” are off limits. Also if we are in a social setting together, every girl I speak with I have not had $ex with. So don’t ask.
6. The Relationship awareness act. Please let the other member of the B-C know when you are in a so called “serious and committed” relationship as soon as possible. It is a pain hearing it 3 months into it. We both know it is going to end and you will come back soon. Just let the other person know that you are jumping into one of those dumb things which is destined for failure. Common courtesy.
Let things be what they are. No more No less.
TIPPING POINT-
Malcolm Gladwell wrote a wonderful book called the Tipping Point. Tipping points are "the levels at which the momentum for change becomes unstoppable." Gladwell defines a tipping point as a sociological term: "the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point.
So how can this be applied to a booty call?? What is that moment when a member of the booty call takes it for more than it actually is?? When they think they have rights which are unwarranted and unearned? It is as if this booty call has morphed into a real relationship. (This can happen.) But it must be discussed and agreed upon before id does.
This is very difficult because these moments are hard to pinpoint and can mean the total opposite of what they really means. For example:
-FACT: I help hang a 60 inch plasma with your dad in your apartment. That’s 18 inches more than my TV. Plus you have every single channel on Cable ever!!! FICTION: I wanted to meet him and like hanging at your apartment for things other than TV and Whoopie.
-FACT: We went to one movie together! You had premier passes free from work. I did also want to see the movie. FICTION: It was not o.k. to put it on your Facebook status I WAS TAKING YOU to the Premier of this MOVIE!!!
Annoying FACEBOOK people-Continued……
“Fantasy” Relationship Person: C’mon lets be serious. We all know you are not in a relationship. If so, who the F is this “alleged” person? C’mon. You are not fooling anyone. Put the person’s actual name up.
Song Quote status person: I know all of Jay-z’s and Biggies song lyrics. Please do not post them on your status. You grew up somewhere in Long Island or Albany for Christ sake. You never sold crack or owned a Tek-9! Stick with the Philosophical, Movie or MTV reality show quotes. Those I can live with. They suit you much better.
Throwback week people: I don’t want to see a picture of you when you’re 7 years old. You look goofy enough now. I don’t want to see you with an even worse haircut than you already have. Plus you mother should be slapped for dressing you that way. How about be original week, you nerd.
Copy This Status People: Please Copy and Paste this on your status. Please Copy and Paste this on your status. Please Copy and Paste this on your status. Please Copy and Paste this on your status. Please Copy and Paste this on your status. My Blackberry is only so big; I do not need to see 400 people with the same freaking status of something moronic.
Weather reporters-Calendar People: Yes it is raining. Thanks for reminding me! The 4,000,000 cable channels and 2,000,000 newspapers/websites only said it was going RAIN, I didn’t hear the loud thunder and lighting all night either. I really needed your Facebook status to let me know.
Please Stop posting-O gosh I hate Mondays or TGIF!!! Thanks, I have a calendar-datebook-read the paper and know what day of the week it is. If I come out of a 10 year coma, please then inform me of what day of the week it is.
Notes & Questions:
Burger King will now start serving beer at certain locations. This can really only help the obesity crisis in the country. I can only imagine the upgrade in service. I always enjoy being served by the slow, nasty, illiterate counter person. Now they get to be drunk too!! Awesome! “Would you like to super size your St Ides to an 80oz?”
Mel Gibson- I just found out this guy has 8 kids? 8 Freaking kids? I thought he was an actor not an NBA Player.
How do you tell you friend you think his kid is actually retarded?
A girl recently told me she used me for sex. I never had someone say that to me before. It felt pretty damn good. I hope I get used more often.
I am still taking hate mail, fan mail, naked pictures of fans along with topic suggestions, you can also sign up for the weekly email. Send info to Gwynnetastic@gmail.com
Next Week & Coming soon:
-Jersey Shore Finale. I re-cap their past, present and futures. Along with what actors would play them if there was a Movie.
-I may be in Love. What am I to do?
We Debate the year of the Crazy Women. Which year is the Winner
a.1979
b.1983
c.1984
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