Week #5 Volume 2.0

JERSEY SHORE THE MOVIE:

Jersey Shore: I Love The Situation Tee - Large [EXCLUSIVE]

Is life even worth living?

Without new episodes of the Jersey shore, I feel lost and helpless. I just feel empty inside.
It is as if I am living a sad existence. I may just wear black wife-beaters for whole month to cope with it.

Sure, I see these trash balls all over E, Access Hollywood, Us weekly and at every bar on 2nd Ave. in NYC. But it is not the same; they are not “at home” And home is JERSEY.

Their home is the Shore.

They should just hibernate the entire fall and winter months, do no press, no interviews, no guest appearances, nothing. Then just BOOM come out of the gate strong Memorial Day thru Labor Day. SHORE TIME-Guns a blazing. They should do it for us. Don’t they care about us? Where are their feelings?

They aren’t even that tan anymore! How ridiculous is that! They just don’t look and act the same sober and fully clothed. Back to the beach I say!

Some times I miss their voices and great philosophical quotes. So for inspiration and amusement during the week, I just click.

http://www.complex.com/blogs/tag/the-complex-jersey-shore-soundboard/

I have hopes for a Jersey Shore THE MOVIE. Sort of like From Justin to Kelly. But with worse acting and plot lines. I am going to suggest who in Hollywood would play them. I also am going to try and become their career guide.

Angelina: While her time on the show was short lived, she was a very important figure. She is going to be played by Marisa Tomei. Who could not see Angelina in My Cousin Vinny? As for a future career: I know bartenders do great things, but fashion design is probably the way she should go. Maybe she can get Lady Gaga to endorse her Garbage Bag luggage line.

The Situation:   If Pauley Shore did Steroids and got some hair gel, he would be a perfect fit. Both have little whinny voices. I could 100% see the Situation in Encino Man.
As for a future Career: Maybe star in his own TV series Baywatch 2! The next David Hasselhoff is not a bad goal. We need a new Hoff

Jwowww:     Rosie O’Donnell will 100% play her. She is just going to need some bleach to get the skunk hair look down.  I also cannot believe that there are naked pictures of her being shopped around! I mean girls who wear fishnet stockings with underwear over them really seem classy and intelligent. Taking naked pictures is so out of character.
As for a future career: I think porn is the only route she can go. Maybe a tanning Salon receptionist, but her career choices are very-very limited.

Sammie- The Most Dramatic character in the history of reality Television. She will be played by Adrian from the Rocky/Godfather movies. Just a walking-talking-crying Drama queen.
As for a future Career: I just see her being a miserable and annoying wife. While getting divorced 4 different times. Twice by the same guy. As for a job, I think working is not her thing. She will just marital a whore-wife. No job, No future. But no more Drama please.

Ronnie: how much potential did he have in the beginning? Then he became a whipped, crying, whining weenie. He did knock a kid out, who wasn’t looking. But he cried when the cops came. I am sure they loved him in jail that night.
We should have seen it all coming. How could we not see past the nipple ring? Playing him in the movie would be Philip Seymour Hoffman. No actor could go from so hard and tough to a sniveling, in love- cry baby. As for a future Career: I see him being a background husband. A Nick Cannon, Chris Judd Type. Sad, Sad, Sad.


Vinny-The most normal and likable characters on the show. The awful arm tattoo and his yellow Chevy, he could do without. He would be portrayed by Al Pachino. Bold choice, but the eyebrow and voice have it.
As for a future career: This kid can really become something. In Hollywood or the real world. He can read and count I am sure. So the world really is his. Good Luck.

Paulie: Rhode Islands finest. Would be played by Michael Cera from Superbad. I can’t take credit for this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaRcVT604_0
Worth the watch, they look like brothers. As for a future career: While he will never be the ambassador to Israel. DJ’ing isn’t a bad career choice. I just hope he doesn’t go down the DJ AM path of smoking crack and doing OxyCottnin.

Snookie: words can’t describe how much she has done for the town of Poughkeepsie. Haitians would not even move up there after seeing her on the show. As for the movie, we are going to have to spray tan Ms Piggy from the Muppets. She could also be played by just a bowling ball with a “poof” wig. As for a future career: I think there is some real talent here. Maybe a talk show, a cook book, dating show host, Dancing with the Stars, maybe!! But she is bankable. She isn’t going anywhere; she will be all over basic cable for years to come.


Being in Love- The Love bug has bit me once again. It only happens when I am sober, around every other year or so. When I am Drunk, it happens a little more frequently. As for this potential soul mate and the Future Mrs. Gwynnetastic, it’s a difficult situation. The good part is we have known each other for a long while. So, for the good and the bad, she really does know me. But I am not concerned with me. I am damn near perfect, when it comes down to it. My concern is on her end. Let’s just say she is a little crazy. But all women are crazy except my Grandma Catherine, may she rest in peace. But this new love muffin is along with crazy, G.U.D, (Geographically-undesirable) not ready for a serious commitment, semi-drunk and has real ex issues. Doesn’t everyone have ex-issues? But hers are a little more serious than most. She used to date losers. Real losers. Big time, low lives and degenerates. For you witty ones who say I am a loser (dumb giggle-ha-ha-funny) We are not “dating” yet. Plus, you know I am the $hit.
One of my friends told me I am way-way too good for her. I am trying to listen, but love is a powerful thing. What is one to do?

                                            Signed:

                                                In Love and Confused.
                       Email suggestions to: Gwynnetastic@gmail.com


WORD OF THE WEEK

In an effort to spread my poetry all over the world I introduce THE word of the week. The word of the week will be one I have invented or has been integrated into my life through friends and/ or experiences. Please take a minute to vote thumbs up on the link below.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Gentlemans%20vacation

The L.A Lakers meet Obama- The current NBA Champions The L.A Lakers visited the white house this past week. Tagging along was Lamar Odom’s wife, Line Backer Khloe Kardashian. She is in pictures above with what appears to be a hairier chest then Tom Selleck. Hey, Good luck with that Lamar.

Kardashian to Obama:
“Isn’t George Washington the president?”
“Thanks Dr. King for all you did for South Africa”
“Are you the Valet, don’t scratch my car while you are parking it”

Obama’s response:

“First transvestite in the White house, Groundbreaking”
“PLEASEEE!!! Eat whatever you want! just please, Don’t make a sex tape with Kobe in the Lincoln Bedroom, please”
“More people watch this girls TV show then did My State of the Union address, damn it”
“Finally a she-man that can kick Hillary Clinton’s ass. Awesome”


Dirt Nap Pool:

Two truly great Americans did die this past week. J.D Salinger autho of The Catcher in the Rye and Howard Zinn. Most know about Salinger and his works/Life. But Howard Zinn is a famous writer-Activist and collegiate professor. He wrote A People's History of the United States: 1492 to Present (P.S.)

This is a book every American should read. It should change your views on this country and how it was founded.
As for whose next:

Dennis Hopper is hanging on for dear life. SPEED it up man!

One of the Olsen’s twins is going down by Memorial Day. It is even Money.

Maybe a death at the super bowl this weekend? Some Athlete is due to do something stupid.


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http://www.bestburgernyc.com/

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAY, MAMA MIA BROWN!!!!

NEXT WEEK
The year of the Crazy Women. The Winner is……
Dating Records Expunged.

New Word of the week.
Tim Tebow-Pro Life
GwynneFlix- I cave and watch the