Week 8 & 9 The Deluxe edition
On missing last weeks entry:
“Sometimes great artists/writers need to at times deprive their fans of greatness”
-ME
GwynneFlix: I have been traveling a bunch the past two weeks; along with the snow and a few real bad hangovers my movie viewership has been up recently.
- The movie SUCKED. Anyone who liked this movie is mentally retarded. Liam Neesen all of a sudden is James Bond, Jason Bourne and Indian Jones rolled into one? How freaking Fake! Also tow other huge blunders in the film: Mistake #1 Albanians don’t look like Arabs. Albanians have big box-type heads and greasy hair. Mistake #2 A rich 17 year old female virgin in Los Angeles? Let’s not be ridiculous. We aren’t that stupid. I knew she was going to be saved and it all was going to end happily ever after. A wasted hour and half I will never get back. Rent a movie staring P.diddy to see better acting/plot lines. 
No idea why I watched a movie that started Michelle Rodriguez. I guess the combination of drinking 20 Red Bull and vodkas, nothing except infomercials being on @ 5am were the real reason I suffered through it. This movie was a F*ing joke. Total and complete Bull$hit. It takes place in the Red hook-Brownsville section of Brooklyn in the year 2000. Rodriguez plays a tough, angry loner who makes her way into a boxing gym and becomes some super bad ass. (Let me also mention she had the worse set of cornrows/braids I have ever seen. She better call my man Uri to get it done next time). Of course a pretty-boy, Guy boxer at the gym falls in love with this butch-pig. There were some more bad movie Clichés, and then in the end the love birds fight in a sanctioned match. Were they joking? A man vs. a woman in a real boxing match? They even let her win the fight with a knockout. This wasn’t a cooking contest, this was boxing. I swear next time I see Rodriguez I am going to try a Mike Tyson Left hook on her. Maybe it can help me archive my dream of being on the cover of the NY Post. If you see this movie coming on
Words of the week. Enhance yo vocab!
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=snow+balled
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=un+earned+cuddle
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Dick+Dice
My IPod Playlist for this week:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yfu9egNOdA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HDM3eYp4KQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VRZq3J0uz4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9F5xcpjDMU
Catch up with me on TWITTER:
https://twitter.com/Gwynnetastic
Spent some time with me my mom this past week. It is always fun and interesting. Here are some sample conversations after she picked me up from the airport.
Conversations with Mom:
Convo #1
Me: I brought with me two things I need you to sew.
Mom: Thanks. How Considerate.
Me: You should be flattered. I would never let some other girl take you place and sew things for me.
Mom: Please. The retarded girls you have been hanging out lately probably can’t even spell sew……..
Me. Ha.
Mom: You probably can’t either.
Convo #2
Mom: People at work always ask me, when are you going to get a grandchild?
Me: Please don’t start. You know I am too young for that.
Mom: You just need to stop drinking, going out and womanizing so much. You are getting a little old you know. Don’t be fooled.
Me. Thanks for the heads up.
Mom: I am serious. And I don’t think girls like being called Bunnies or whatever other derogatory names you use for them.
Me: No, Trust me-They love it trust me.
Mom: I really don’t know where you came from. I really don’t.
Travel Gripes:
I have been on hundreds of flights in my life and I have never ever, not once sat next to a hot chick on a plane. I always get a little kid who picks his boogers, shows them to me and then eats them with a smile on his face. Please God, just give me one hot chick on a plane. I don’t care if it is a 55 minute flight to Buffalo, just give me one! Some advice for people please don’t be one of those annoying people who hover over the baggage claim carousel, as if they don’t grab their bar the second it comes off it is going to be stolen or fall into a pit of alligators.
The Olympics:
I am glad NBC is now back to its regularly scheduled-awful Primetime programming. The Olympics really are the worst. This stuff is all tape-timezone delayed. We already know the results, so what’s the point? Watching taped sports is un-American! They also need to upgrade or change some of these so called sports:
The Luge/Bobsled- Sure this dude from Georgia died. (Georgia is a country. The state did not succeed from the U.S yet) I think it was just a ratings stunt by NBC. Sure we can say some dude from Georgia died. Who is going to miss him? Good trick NBC, but I caught on. Luging is just sitting on this thing and the fattest person goes the fasted and makes it to the bottom first. How easy? If we has Extreme Luge and let people in the crowd throw things or try and hit them with brooms trying to knock them off it would improve this alleged sports 10 fold! 2016 X-Luge Coming soon.
Men’s Figure Skating.
No better way to come out of the closet to your parents and the rest of the world than wearing a pink boa, tights and eye makeup while on figure skates. These dudes must have had it rough growing up. No, Dad I do not want to play ice hockey! Give me some lipstick and pantyhose and let me skip around the ice instead.
Curling.
Every Olympics I can’t figure what the F this thing is. It looks like sweeping and mopping up ice. It always has like fat old people doing it. I am super proud of the USA Olympic curling team. I am 100% going to get the Wheaties box they will be featured on. I am also sure their autobiographies will be super interesting. Heart warming and best sellers
Boners Last erection:
Sadly Andrew Koenig took his own life recently. I am not 100% sure why he killed himself but I have some theories.
#1-He looked at his IMDB page http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0462809/
Looks like he hasn’t worked that much.
#2- He saw Shutter Island with Leo and never got over being replaced by him on Growing pains.
#3- He was secretly that Georgian Luger who died at the Olympics and this is just a cover-up for Insurance purposes.
#4- He realized William Shatner was his dad. Not really Lt Pavel Chekov from Star Trek.
#5- He was his only follower on Twitter and was always being confused with Paul from the wonder years.
*Nobody had him in the Dirt-nap pool. So his Rating and point level is N/A
I am upset at feedback:
As some of you may know. I was ordained as a Minister last week. (I did it online. It was Free). I only was approached by one person asking me to marry them. (She is single, but a good sport and said who better to marry her and her future husband than yours truly). I also do confessions, advice and soul cleansing. Text or Email for Details and pricing.
Book club
Janie Erlbaum- GirlBombI took the author of this books writing workshop. She is a true Genius and her book was awesome. If you have ever: lived or partied in Manhattan, did drugs, drank while in high school, have crazy parents, loved to rebel, hook up and at times just not give a fuck! This book is for really you.
Shamu boo hoo:
A trainer at SeaWorld was killed by a killer whale. Say it with me, a killer whale-killed someone, wow. Some are speculating that it was the trainers pony tail that confused and set the animal off. After doing some of my own research and interviews, I have found out the truth! The Animal mistook the trainer for Seal. Not a Seal, But Seal. The guy with the shit all over his face. Sea world was pumping
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMD2TwRvuoU
A kiss from a Rose into the pool. The trainer started singing along and the whale just went off. That’s just http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fc67yQsPqQ
Newest I-Phone-Blackberry application:
-When Drunk and/or after 2am-It reorganizes the names of the Women in your phone from alphabetical to now Best Looking to Ugliest. It also shuts the phone off automatically after a combination of 5 no answers or No’s from people on the other line. It also has a sure thing feature, where you just get into a cab swipe your phone next to the credit card machine and the driver just takes you to the address. He doesn’t charge you because he knows how awful the girl is you are going to see it.
-Another feature removes and blocks you from calling anyone you know who is engaged or married. Having a chick’s husband pick up at 3a.m is never fun.
John Mayer- I am not to sure what this clown actually said or didn’t say a few weeks ago. But I saw his teary apologies and his pleas for forgiveness. I have said it all along this dude should be a male figure skater. When the F did he get a so called hood pass? He looks like Edward Scissor hands. If we walked through Harlem about 2% of the people would recognize him. And that’s just cuz they watched the episode of him on the Dave Chappelle show! This dinkleberry is from Fairfield F’ing Connecticut!! I give him props for plowing out a few famous chicks here and there. But this dude is a real joke. He walks around Manhattan with his guitar as if it is a dog. He even puts it in its own seat at restaurants.
Complete fruit cake. If you have his albums kill yourself.
Facebook thing that infuriates me this week.
It is not the layout adjustments. You have to realize FB does this so you spend more time online, thus creating more advertising revenue for them. But the most Mother F’ing most annoying thing on Facebook this week is people who write in foreign languages on their status updates. You annoying F*ckers. Your great-great-great grand daddy was from Italy and you just got Rosetta stone for Christmas. Please don’t try and show off on the World Wide Web like you are Leonardo Davincis long lost cousin. Speakey De English Please!
Fashion Week- Hooray for this idiotic-overly hyped-way too flamboyant event. A week which “Designers” send models down runways wearing Peacock styled skirts, Football cleats, Shower curtains as jackets and lamp shades as hats. All in the name of Fashion and Art. I am going to set the new trend for the summer. One flip-flop, one Rollerblade, a beret, a wool sweater and a sports bra over it. $hit is going to be the new M.C hammer parachute pants of the late 80’s. Get on board.
Giving up things for Lent
For my Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist and Pagan readers: Lent is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent
-Now that I am a Reverend I really have to abide by this holiday/sacrifice thing-a-ma-gig. I tired giving up crazy girls for lent, but that is truly impossible because that is what God has always sent me. He has been doing it to Test my faith. I will not be broken Lord. If he wanted me to give them up, he would just send me a normal one.
-I tried giving up19 year olds, but that is like not eating food for 40 days.
-Giving up Booze for 40 days? That would derive so many of so much comedy and pleasure. How could I do that?
So have I decided to give up napping Monday-Friday. It really is a big sacrifice. I am less refreshed but I am more readily available to the world. That is my sacrifice for you.
Next Week/Coming soon:
Gwynnetastic Turns 1
Catching up with the Kardashians
Words of the Week-
I answer other Magazines Questions
Dating Records Expunged
1979 The year of the Crazy Women
Avatar-A movie about Blue People or did god himself make this movie?
Kris Jenner-Sarah Palin. Could they be the same exact Person? We debate?
TV show Mash-ups
I begin to Tweet
I plea for people to back the F up off Tiger Woods once again.
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