G#1 Basketball Wives on VH1 Episodes #1 and #2:
Just when you thought reality TV could not find a bigger bunch of dumb, drunk, uneducated, whorish, misfit, classless group of people- It has, with Basketball Wives on VH1.
First off, the “Theme song” of the shows chorus goes “I can make it on my own”. Obviously not. If any of them could make it on your own, they would be actresses/movie stars or career women. But instead they have a show about you being a money grubbing--ex-booty call, or baby mama to some NBA player.
After watching this show I have come to the conclusion that NBA players have the lowest IQs of the four major sports. The NHL is a close second. The NFL and MLB do have some whorish wives hanging around, but none like these tramps.
The show is produced and stars Shaunie O’Neal, ex wife of SHAQ. While I love SHAQ as a player and think he is a real character, he is no Rhodes Scholar. Or even at a 5th grade reading level. So going into this, we can only imagine how dumb his wife is.
The other characters include Evelyn “From the Boggie down Bronx” (Anytime a girl uses “Boogie down Bronx” in describing where she is from, check to make sure she does not have an orange box cutter in her Timberland boots/Jordan’s, also expect her to say “Excuse you” at least 3x in any and all future conversations).
Evelyn is the ex-fiancé of Antoine Walker; they were together for 11 years. 11 years and no wedding? Come to your own conclusion on that one. But Walker who was a very good player, is currently going bankrupt, he is in debt for $5 million dollars and burnt through $130 million dollars in Salary and endorsements. No wonder why they are on the outs. The Bronx girl Motto/Wedding vow: For richer (Word) for Poorer (Hells No, not my man). She now lives in a million dollar apartment in Miami; I wonder how she got it?
Then there is Jennifer who seems half way/somewhat normal so far. She did have on hoop earrings the size of hubcaps, but I guess that’s the style these days. She also is married to or getting divorced from Eric Williams, who has bigger Teeth than any thoroughbred I have ever seen. He looks like he could chomp concrete with those jackhammers.
Gloria, who is 23, has two kids and is engaged to Matt Barnes. (He was a good Knick-so I can’t write anything bad about him). But she seems smart and not really a gold digger. Her and Shaq’s wife have a riff because allegedly, Shaq slept with Gloria’s sister. If Gloria sister looks like her, who could blame him?
Then there is Royce. She looks like she is a 17 year old run-away. She is an alleged “Groupie” .She is a dancer for the Magic and Heat. She isn’t married, but has hooked up with a few players, allegedly.
Lastly there is Suzie who looks half horse-Half Avatar character. She “Dated” Michael Olowokandi. Who sucked and could not play in the WNBA.
A few questions/notes:
How is Royce “The groupie”? None of these other women know these guys as kids or knew them before they were basketball players? Pot calling the Kettle Black here?
Also, why is it called basketball wives? Two of the 7 or 8 on the show are/were married to players. It should be called Basketball hoes or ex’s hoes. Just a thought.
The upcoming previews look awesome. Drinks being thrown at women, a whole lot of “O hell No’s” and “No she dint’s”
I will be watching the other DVR’ed episodes tonight!
G#2 The Ultimate Rudeness/Disrespect:
Old Examples:
Shaking someone’s hand with the left-hand.
Wearing a hat inside someone’s house.
Using the Lords name in Vain.
Spitting in public.
Since we are in the new millennium, the new Ultimate Rudeness/disrespect is the deletion of someone as a Facebook friend. What a real sting! It really makes you think doesn’t it? A person can be friends or a fan of “Fudgie the Whale” or “Fergie”, but they delete you? It puts it all into perspective, doesn’t it?
Now you may ask where did this all come from? A good friends- pseudo girlfriend and I were friends on Facebook. I go to write to her “Happy Passover, good luck with cooking” a few weeks ago. Knowing how religious she is and how she cooks for her entire family. To my shock, I can’t find her on my friend list. Then I look over and her account is under my suggested friends. Hmmm, I thought to myself. How weird. So I am guessing she has something to hide on her page? Pictures of her smooching other dudes/chicks/dogs etc. And she thinks I would report back to my friend if I saw them.
I guess next time I see her, I will just delete her from a personal greeting and from any conversation we potentially may have.
G#3 Meeting a Horrible Girl in Bars:
With: Sweet Check and Don Johnson. Two of N.Ys Finest.
Where: Turtle Bay
Situation: Don Johnson bumps into and old booty call and her friend.
Role: Innocent bystander
I go and visit this cute red headed bartender who works Wednesdays at Turtle bay. I am with Don and Chuck, just looking to unwind on a Wednesday night. Don bumps into an old booty call; she was an 8 for a Wednesday a 6 on a Saturday. She also has a friend in tow, a 6 on a Wednesday and 4 on a Saturday. Don and his ex talk it up in the corner, while Sweet Chuck and I are stuck talking to the friend. It is a Wednesday and while I usually would never glance twice at this girl, Chuck and I are forced to engage her in a conversation.
Maybe she is the coolest girl in the world, who knows?
The conversation starts with the usual non-sense. Where do you live? Where do you work? Bam! Before we would get any further she drops it: “I am a curator for a museum”. Wow, I am impressed. I had to define what a curator was for Chuck (he is a cop lets not forget). But it sounds like a cool job, so I think she must be interesting. I figure maybe she works at the MET, MOMA, Guggenheim, Natural history (I love Dinosaurs!) or somewhere cool.
Her answer to what museum: “The Museum of Typewriters and Computers in Queens”. Chuck and I look at each other like: “What the fuck, how fucking lame?”
I pretend to be impressed and ask so where did she go to school? Her response:
“First or Second Masters”. She just gave me the green light for abuse. Not because she said 1st or 2nd masters, it was how she said it. She said it as if she had a PHD or she was plain better than us. So the abuse begins. I tell her I am an actor, why not? I hope to never see this awful girl again. So why not goof on her? I tell her I was in some episodes of Law and Order, CSI a few Lifetime movies along with a few feature films: You Got Served, Home Alone 2, Wild Things and The Goonies. She was skeptical at first, but we continued talking anyways. She then lets on how she knows all of these famous people.
Nothing worse then girls pretending or wanting to be socialites. So I look at Chuck and do the only thing left I could do. I just left him there, standing and talking to this awful girl.
He Texts me “Thanks for leaving me with Thelma from Scooby Doo”
Lesson: Anyone who works at a Museum is lame. If you want to pretend to be an actor always do TV or movies that are old. More believable.
G#4 Things said out-loud by people I know:
“Girls are so dumb, yet so addictive”
“Wow you had sex with her? I would sniff your dick right after having sex with her she is so hot”
G#5 Brett Michaels:
Text from T.J:
T.J : Yo Brett Michaels just had a brain aneurism. He is not dead, but can I trade Clint Eastwood and Hugh Heffner in the Dead Pool.
Me: No trades in season.
T.J: Cmon. How about I get last pick in the draft next year.
Me: No.
T.J: What do you think happened?
Me: Either he was forced to watch his own TV show or someone pulled on his hair extensions to tight.
T.J: You are Evil. But you are still my friend. What’s up this weekend?
G# 6 Advice for Women:
This goes out to ALL women: Wives, girlfriends, Hook-ups, booty Calls, One night stands, hoes, sluts etc. Please have more than saltine crackers in you cubbard and water in your refrigerator. Nothing makes a man more upset, and make him want to wail you in the head with a pillow while you are sleeping than this. We respect the fact; you didn’t want to go to the diner after drinking all night. Keeping fit, great. But have something in the cabinets for us. Fritos, Combos, Pretzels, Pringles- anything! Or at least have a few Pizzas or burritos in the Freezer. When we come back to bed we will be a whole lot happier. Plus by having food it decreases the risk of him just leaving in the middle of the night. Also, if you have soy milk, please let us know before we drink it. It tastes rotten and two it gives us bad gas.
No need to thank me for the info, just doing my job.
G#7 Re-cap
Watch Basketball Wives on VH1, Brett Michaels won’t be having any new Episodes for a while, unless they change the name of his show to Survivor. Hooking up with Basketball players is good for you bank account and can get you out of the PJ’s, but don’t expect it to end in a fairy tail. If you delete me as a friend on Facebook I may wipe a booger on you next time I see you. Never talk to girls who work at Museums. My friends say the dumbest things. And, Ladies get to shopping!
Next Week/Coming Soon:
I answer magazines questions:
I respond to reader questions: Email me @ gwynnetastic@gmail.com
Free: Ben Roethlisberger
Dez Bryant Interview
Tiger at the Masters
Word of the Week:
More Basketball Wives:
I have seen the future:
Ashley Dupree in Playboy-The Return of the Queen.
Finally, the Fake Boobs Debate.
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