G # 1 Happy Mothers Day:
Happy 1st Mothers day to Sandra Bullock. Great idea, adopting a new baby. For a women who couldn’t keep her Ex-Husband satisfied; adding a crying, snot blowing, pooping baby to the mix-seams real smart in the pursuit for a new husband.
I am guessing, Sandra is either releasing a pop album soon and is trying to get some publicity; or she trying to get Brad Pitt to give her the bone one night.
Happy Mothers day to Angela Dianne Bryant. The mother of NFL-Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant. Think you got a shitty Mom and Dad? Maybe they didn’t buy you the G.I Joe with the Kung-Fu grip, maybe they didn’t let you finish you PlayStation 2 game and made you do homework instead. Maybe they even smashed your face in a plate of linguine one night at dinner.
But I am sure none are as awful as Mama and Papa Bryant. When Dez Bryant was asked in an interview “What did your father do for a living”? HE answered “ A Pimp”- The follow up question was “Well, what did your mother do?” Bryant's response “She worked for my dad”. The obvious next question, other then “Excuse me can you repeat that?” was logically "So your mother was a prostitute?" Bryant looked at the floor and said “No”. That is all the info we have the interview. But when he said his Dad was a pimp and his mom worked for him, I didn’t think she was working in accounting or the promotions department. Do you?
Angela Bryant did admittedly sell some crack and was arrested for it. Not Butt crack, The drug kind. So happy mothers day to her and add this to the list of why your Parents really aren’t so bad!
G #2 I answer magazines questions:
*These were ACTUAL reader questions that were sent to the magazines. I think my answers are a little bit more helpful.
GQ May 2010:
Q. What is your take on cutoffs? Can a grown man pull them off? Are they only for jeans or can I do it with a pair of courds too?
A. Cut offs are for people with Rat-tails, motorcycles, mustaches and truckers. If you live in Arkansas or Alabama you can pull them off, not to many other places you can. But if you do have anything corduroy, please burn it immediately.
* Please note in the May 2010 issues the Open Letter: Is to the class of 2010. Please check http://gwynnetastic.blogspot.
Men's Health May 2010
Q. My girlfriend is not into sex from behind. How can I make it better for her?
A. Put it in her butt when she is sleeping. If she wakes up pretend you were doing it in your sleep. If she doesn’t, win for you. Or you can just dump her and tell her why. There are plenty of girls you can mold and have do anything you want/need.
Playboy May 2010
Q. Should I ask my girlfriends father for his blessing before I propose. Is it to old fashioned?
A. You should ask his permission only if he is throwing in some cash for the wedding and giving a substantial size gift. Old fashioned? The brides family always used to pay for weddings., none of this out of pocket/spay your own wedding b.s Men used to trade a goat and a cow for a young bride. Sounds good to me. A bottle of milk and a Boars head roast for a girls hand in marriage. Its fair, right.
G# 3 World Cup!
Yippee the World Cup is being played this August in South Africa!! Awesome! But who really cares? Name two players or the coach on the American team off the top of your head. Quick, try it......couldn't do it? Soccer is not a real sport and never will be.
*Authors note: Soccer is fine for girls, there is a ton of hot-chick A$$ in female soccer. It is the un-butch-hot chick sport.
But guys who played soccer-could not catch, throw, shoot and /or were frail bodied wusses. Sorry. Go team USA!
G#4 A trip down the Runway!
Can guys please stop wearing Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers? Unless you are in a Punk-Rock Band, Homeless or are Bill Russell you cannot wear them! Ditto for men in Leather Sandals. Unless they were hand me downs from Christ himself or you are auditioning for Spartacus 2, leave them for the Mesopotamians.
What would posses someone to wear a Bow Tie, unless it is mandated by a tuxedo these should not be worn. People who wear bow ties are pretty much assholes.
Same goes for suspenders. Assholes. (Exception anyone who is over 50). There is this wonderful invention called a belt! Wow technology is wild. Please look in your closets and in the mirror before you go out. I may wind up sucker punching you if you are in any of the above articles of clothing.
G#5 GwynneFlix: Iron Man 2- Sex and the City 2
Iron-Man 2
Certain movies you must actually see in theaters despite the $12.75 ticket price, you can’t see it on a Bootleg DVDs from 40-deuce, this movie is one of them. The special effects are good. (Note: The Movie Theater on 62nd and 1st has awful Nachos, the chips come in a bag and the cheese is single serving.)
Robert Downy Jr is witty and on point in this movie. He is such a better actor that Charlie Sheen.
A few issues and notes: What is more believable- A billionaire in a metal suit, who fliers around shooting things and blowing them up. Or that Gwyneth Paltrow would be the CEO of a company? Yea, the later is total fantasy.
Scarlett Johanssen is in the movie as well. While she is a sexy piece of veal, seeing her as a secret agent who kicks 20 people’s asses with Kung fu is not the right role for her. She should be bubbly and bouncing around the screen in little or no clothes. That's reality.
Sex and the City 2
While I haven't seen it because it is out yet, I will tell you what happens. Four old crusty sluts, who wear expensive clothes/handbags accessories, who can't read and who have no morals, take a trip. They have sex with Random guys, go shopping, and have dinner at expensive restaurants while having the most mind numbing and moronic conversations. O and yes they will be in high heelsG# 6 Summary
May the Lord Help me!
Next week/Coming Soon:
The Meaning of Life
More Basketball-Wives
Ash Dupree- The Next Oprah
Fake Boobs
I update and re-new Baseball fan rules.
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