G#1 Fired for being hot??
The phrase sounds and seems utterly ridiculous. It should read, fired for refusing to give blowjobs or bang management. Debralee Lorenzo (from Queens! of course!) Is suing Citibank because she was “allegedly” fired for being hot. Yes, she 100% is a fine piece of tail. But fired for being hot sounds and seems completely ludicrous! She truthfully doesn’t even look capable to work a fill in shift- cocktail waitressing at Hooters, never the less having a job in finance.
Her Bosses allegedly “Banned” her from wearing formfitting, low cut and revealing clothing to work. That sounds like total horse shit unless her bosses were Ryan Seacrest and Mario Lopez. You encourage hot women to dress slutty in the office; it makes the day go by so much faster. Try my trick of turning off the A/C so it is like a sauna and they get damn near naked.
Also Deb, a great way to shift public opinion towards your favor and away from you just simply being a total attention seeking, money grubbing whore; is not to be posing for pictorials in the NY Post, in which you are straddling fax machines and dry humping office chairs. A better way would be working with blind kids or something like that. But good luck Deb, I look forward to seeing you on an upcoming VH1 reality show, posing in Playboy or on Showtime After-Dark doing soft porn.
G#2 Why I need new friends: A Text/Phone Conversation.
(I will use the names “Fred” and “Wilma” to protect those involved)
Text Fred: What you doing tonight? Movies?
Text Me: Sure. What and Where.
Text Fred: Sex and the City. 4 Chicks.
(I immediately pick up and call him. Confused to say the least)
Me: What the fuck are you talking about?
Fred: Let’s go to the movie there will be tons of chicks there.
Me: Yea, but it is a movie you really can’t talk during them.
Fred: So, let’s go and just chill by the theater. Play videogames or whatever.
Me: That’s retarded. We are not 11. I’ll see a different movie or watch the Mets somewhere.
Fred: I don’t wanna watch the Mets at a bar. They suck and only ugly girls like them.
Me: Where is Wilma? (His live in girlfriend) She move out?
Fred: Nah, She has class tonight.
Me: Lets just go to Redemption. I am hungry. 20 minutes.
Fred: Fine.
@ Redemption “Fred” told the female bartender that he remembered a way better looking staff that usually worked there. Needless to say we didn’t get one drink on the house and I refused to order food due to fear of it being spit in. It amazes me how he has a rich/good looking girlfriend. I really need some new friends.
G#3 Oil Spill in the Gulf.
The Nation/World is in real crisis mode with this oil spill. It is the first time in my life I can say that I would much rather have seafood caught off the waters of Broad Channel, NY than from anywhere in the south.
BP has brought in some of the world’s greatest scientists and thinkers in, all trying to plug/solve this problem. They even reached out to Mr. Waterworld Kevin Costner and Avatar Director James Cameron for help. Have they seen Waterworld? They really must be desperate. Of course I have a wonderful and simple solution for a fix. Let’s say we fly about: 30 Italian guys from Howard Beach, 35 from the Bronx, 20 from Staten Island and about 25 or so from Bay Ridge Brooklyn, down to the Gulf. But the Government confiscates all their hair products flying down there. This was they have to dip their heads into the ocean in order for them to spike their hair for the night.
How simple is that??
G#4 GwynneFlix: Anaconda 3.
Besides- Making really Bad decisions, cavities, risk of heart attack, diabetes along with plenty of other negatives are reasons not to drink Red Bull. But the #1 reason is that while your body is twitching and you can’t sleep at 5am, Anaconda 3 may be the only thing on Television!!!
I didn’t even know there was an Anaconda 2 and I know everything about the movies!
I have 300+ fucking channels and this seriously is the only thing on TV at 5am?!?!?
But the movie as you could imagine was god-awful. The one bright spot was that it starred David “The fucking man and worldwide pimp” HasselHoff!!! That’s right Knight Rider and Mitch Buchanon starred in Anaconda 3!
If he needs to do movies like this just for a paycheck- newsflash to the world (Pre-NUPPPPP!!!). The movie has a typical monster /cliché ending, with super fake fight scenes, explosions, bad guys dying, good guys surviving by hanging off a building with a show-lace. -Etc etc and all of that. And of course one little baby Anaconda survives through it all. So be sure there is going to be an Anaconda 4 staring Ian Ziering coming soon! So don’t drink Red Bull kids.
G#5 Half-pint Brawlers on Spike TV. (Check your local listings).
I have always been a huge (pun intended) fan of little people aka Midgets. But after watching this show I am now truly obsessed!!! The show follows around a bunch of wrestling-gypsy midgets!!! How awesome and original! There is a god and he makes TV shows on Spike TV! These little dudes are a mix of the Jackass characters and the steroid freaks from the 80’s WWF. They haze new midgets by shaving their heads and midget testicles. Then they make them wear thongs and run around random parking lots screaming, “I am a midget, I am a midget” How F-ing awesome??? Then they get drunk and put on wrestling performances in bars and nightclubs!! I am already freaking addicted to this show.
I think I either need to hook up with a hot little midget chick and get my fix or get me one as a friend/sidekick. I know Chelsea Handler has a midget, but he is Mexican and really just short. I want a real full blooded American Midget-to call my own!
G#6 Deaths come in 3’s, well 2 and halves that is.
I am guessing most of you think I m going to make a ton of mean-spirited and inappropriate jokes about the “Celebrity Trio” whom all just passed away this week. Well for the most part you are 98.7% right.
First I will say a few kind words about Dennis Hopper: He was truly one of the best actors/people in the history of Hollywood. Just check the credits over 200+ acting roles! He was in: Speed, True Romance, Hoosiers, Apocalypse Now, Easy Rider and they even used his voice for Grand Theft auto vice city! Gangster! I am also sure this guy did more drugs and plowed more hot chicks in his lifetime then I could ever dream of!
Sean Penn named his son Hopper, how cool is that? Having somebody else name his or her kid after YOU?? R.I.P to a true Legend. These little fags like Shia Lebuttfuck or Harry Potter or whoever could not hold one of your nuts on screen. God Bless.
“What-chew talking bout Willis” an iconic line from an iconic little dude.
Heaven forbid you were black male and under 5 ft 2inches in the past 20 years because Gary Coleman was most likely your nickname. Let me say Different Strokes was one of the most racist and unrealistic programs in the history of television. (Alert my Brother/Hood’ side is coming out)
Sure, a super rich white dude would adopt his dead maid’s two black sons. False, he would have maybe offered them jobs when they got their driver’s licenses and his chauffeur. If he wanted more kids either he would have found some 25 year old gold digger and made more babies, or he would have gone the Adopt-an-Asian route.
Some weird rich old dude who likes little boys and showers them with gifts and toys? Hmm makes you think. Did anyone think maybe Mr. Drummond might have been foreshadowing/inspiring of Michael Jackson’s living habits? You didn’t think of that did you?
The title of the show is even has racist/pedophilia undertones Different Stokes! No wonder why Dana Plato killer herself and Willis was so messed up in real life. There was funny business going on at the set!
Little Arnold was just crying for help all this time. That’s why he was acting so crazy all these years!! We just didn’t see it. He needed our help. Shame on us. Further proof of it, why the F was he living in Salt Lake City? He didn’t play for the Utah Jazz, so there is no other reason for a brother to be living in Mormon country! Crazy. R.I.P little man.
Blance from the golden girls. She really doesn’t deserve that many words. Maybe in her prime Dennis Hopper would have gotten her a decent acting role in exchange for some “casting couch” action. But alas she was a true OG (Old Girl-for new readers). Death happens to people her age.
G#7 In Closing
I probably will get axed for being so sexy. I need a midget in my life to keep me from drinking red bull and so I can get rid of some of my friends. We need Guido’s to save the world. Death sucks and legends should not die the same week as midgets and wrinkly old hags.
Next Week/Coming Soon:
GwynneFlix-goes 80’s RED DAWN
Fake Boobies:
The Meaning of Life:
Ashlee Dupree
The Finale of Basketball wives.
I update and Re-new the Baseball Rules
Jordan Van Der Snoot vs. O.J who would you rather date/marry
Where are they now???
Naming a IPod play list after your friend? Gay or Really Gay?
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