Apology:
I would like to apologize for the long lay-off between entries. But being so awesome and living such a wild and glamorous life, things can cut into a persons writing time. But the good news is, I have tons of new thoughts/ideas/stories and theories for the world. Read on:
G#1 Soccer Sucks Part #2 (cont). Thank God the World Crap is over!
Part #1 originally published G#3 entry http://gwynnetastic.blogspot.com/2010/05/weeks-19-and-20.html
Can we stop this ridiculous charade now? Soccer sucks! Period. Yes, I am patriotic and was rooting for those 'Mary’s' on Team USA, but how do you lose to Ghana? A country, whose name is easily mistakable with gonorrhea. How the F did they even afford cleats? Blame Sally Struthers and Bono for their charitable efforts over the years (aka plot against US Soccer). Sure donate and send money, then have the kids who you send $0.29 cents a day to kick our asses in soccer! I want my F’ing money back.
More Reasons Soccer sucks and why it is really annoying:
The Dumb Names: Ronaldo, Kaka, Ronaldinho, Thierry and Landon. (Sounds like a bunch of Elton John back up dancers). I would take Shaquille, Tyreke, Bo or Amare as a real name any day of the week!
The 'Italian' American fans. I use Italian in quotes because 90% of these Howard Beach, Staten Island Fucks have never been to Italy, nor do they know two words of Italian besides 'Ciao' and 'Ragu.' Please don’t ever put up 'Forza Italia' or whatever the fuck you put up on your Facebook Status again. If you love those longhaired grease balls so much, please move back to Italy. Because I know a million Mexicans that would stab the entire Mexican team, wrap themselves in an American flag and scream “USA-USA-USA” in a second to live in this country.
On a positive note: The one good thing about this is fan from Paraguay and her tremendous Hammers. I thought Paraguay was a grocery/sporting goods store. But thanks to the many pictures of this chick, I am going there on my next vacation. I will probably double the GDP in so doing. See: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gross_domestic_product) - for my readers who went to public High Schools or S.U.N.Y Universities.
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G#3-The Booty call Flip-Flop
The Confession: I am currently in a situation/predicament I have NEVER-EVER-EVER been in before. I am a Booty-Call-E. Yes, I have been in BC situations where the girl had somewhat of an upper hand. But I now for the first time have NO hand or control whatsoever. I can call on a Monday, (no response. Text on a Tuesday, no response. Email or Facebook message on a Wednesday, nothing back! Yet when my phone rings and she tells me to come over, I run like I am Usain Bolt. Regardless of what time it is or where I am, I run there like the wind. I know some people are like, wow you are lucky. No dinners, movies, long phone conversations where women just talk for hours and it is just blah, blah, blah, blah; all the while you're watching SportsCenter on mute and are praying for the conversation to be over. So I have no 'boyfriend dating duties' (I will mention she has a boyfriend. Yea, so what? Sue me, she isn't married). It is not that I even want the boyfriend duties or anything like that. I just need some leverage on my end. I tried swearing her off, “F this, this is B.S” all that nonsense man talk. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Why? She is hot and great in bed! What else is there? I just wish I had some leverage on my end, damn it! Email me suggestions/thoughts. I am so confused. gwynnetastic@gmail.com
G#4 Fake Boobies: The Debate (Finally)
This has been the most anticipated thing since LeBron James’ free-agency decision. I probably will get as much scorn and backlash as he did.
Fake Boobies, the Debate:
Disclaimer: The names of implantees have been changed for fear of physical harm to myself and because I hope to bed or re-bed them.
To Enhance, or Not to Not Enhance: that is the question. A timeless debate, similar to which came first; the chicken or the egg. I myself have swung back and forth with this.
At first I thought, no way, I didn’t like the feel of them. My first experience with fakies was at a baseball tournament in Fort Lauderdale when I was fifteen. Two of my roommates/teammates (Neil and Rob) and I went to a strip club right next to a Papa Johns, Arcade and Baskin Robbins. We were playing Video Games in the Arcade, like fifteen year olds should be. Then the owner told us he was closing up and going next door. We tried ignoring him and just kept playing Pinball. Then he just shuts the power off and is like “Get the fuck out, I am going next door!” We were scared shitless and were pissed he ended our games. Being the good-natured soul he was he said we should come with him next door. We looked at each other and were like, what the F!. So we just walk right into this place Fred’s, it smelt of body odor and sweat from ten feet outside. I think no way, I can get into this place. I don’t even have a fake ID. We walk up with the fat arcade owner and the bouncer lets us right in. Then he says “Yo” calling us back. We're busted right? Nope. He just takes a big black marker and literally paints a huge X on out wrists. So we are in. The arcade owner knows everyone in the place. It was as if the strip club was Cheers and he was Norm. He leaves to sit with some stripper. So my two teammates and I (who I had met four days prior) go and sit down in the back. An obviously pregnant, barely seventeen year-old waitress comes over and takes our order for two cokes and Neil asks for an iced tea (I swear to God this dufus from Rhode Island asked for a Lemonade). She comes back: $15 bucks. DAMN. We thought it was going to be free, we were fifteen, what the F did we know? But $5 for a flat fountain Coke (in 1995). Awesome. The kid Rob paid and so awkwardly tipped her two dollars in the waistband of her shorts. She is pregnant and wearing shorts almost down to her knees and a t-shirt showing her belly. This kid was 100% a virgin. Neil and I goofed on him a little for tipping her down her shorts in such a weirdo way. But it was all in good fun. Now the talent starts coming by and checking out the huge X marks on our hands. I have never been called “Big Boy” or “Big Guy” as many times as all those girls did that day. Christ I was 15 and looked 12. So one girl asks if I want a “dance”. Like a first timer, I was scared shitless and said no. She walked away. Totally polite. Then this black dancer comes up and Neil springs off his seat like the place is on fire. She didn’t even ask him and he was like “yes”. So Rob and I are sitting there and a real cute shy dancer comes up (I don’t know why, I thought she way shy, she gets naked for a fucking living). So we go to the back corner and she starts dancing. Dress comes off, grinding on me backwards, then she turns around and Bam! Rock Hard-Ice cold Fake Tits: right in my face. They felt like Frozen Grapefruits. Plus her cleavage gap was literally the size of my head! So, the dance continues, I am in shock and awe of my first set of fake tits and how incredibly flexible this girl is. The dance is over and I am numb. Fake boob de-virginization, Wow. So I go back and sit with Neil and Rob; and the 3 of us have a boobie conversation. Neil was shocked I she had fake tits, like most 15 year olds he has never felt a pair either. Rob, he began to hate. Saying Fake tits are for whores, low lives, strippers (yes), trashy, etc. etc. etc. Then he hit me with poetry I still have not forgotten to this day: “You want your wife having fake tits?” Every one of your friends will always be staring, plus your kids will get made fun of at school. There it was. I didn’t give a crap if my friends stared at my wife’s fake boobs (I now stare at my friends wives fake boobs) but it was the kids, that’s what hit me. I can see it now: My kid cracking jokes, abusing kids, almost having them in tears (Just like his old man), Then the bomb. F you, your Mama got fake titties. Trump Card. He wins and now every other kid has that ammo forever! Despite the glorious lap dance and size of those boobies, I was anti Fake from that day on.
Then I decide to go to college in Queens, New York. Wow, were there fake boobies everywhere. Girls, who couldn't afford to drive a car and took the bus, had fake boobs. They were everywhere and I could not stop staring. So eventually I conned some girl with a set of fake ones into hooking up with me. We will call her Valerie. Valerie had a decent size job; I didn’t know they were fake until her fat friend (who tried banging me behind her back) told me over AIM. So finally I got Valerie naked and they were rock solid. Like two baseballs, no movement, nothing. Again, they were super far apart! Boobies should be able to be squished together, not be running away from each other. Valerie was cute and a nice girl, I think her personality really helped me be in favor of her boobs. I did also brag to everyone I knew that they were fake. But again, she was real Italian and wanted marriage at like 21. Pump the breaks girl. So I think, no way am I getting married now and then it came into my head again. My kids having to deal with mommy having fake boobies! So things ended and I was still anti-fake boobie.
Then came Jess. We were friends in college, hooked up here and there, nothing serious just casual sex like college kids should be having. Then 3 years after college, she gets them. I never had a girl pre-fake, and then go to Fake, after. She had a great job, not too big, not to small, close but still a big gap. So by now, I was indifferent. “Hey if my wife had these, I could probably deal,” I figured.
Then there came Linda. Authors Note: I don’t believe in love at first sight, but she was gorgeous. She was the first girl whose face was a 10. Her smile, Teeth, hair, skin, 10. I didn’t even realize her boobs were fake because I could not top staring at her face. We end up hooking up a few weeks later then I discover them. The best set of fake tits on God's green earth. It was like Jesus himself did the Surgery. Then it hit me. I can love and marry this pretty face, then when she is 50 and wrinkly, I will be married to this wonderful set of fake tits. Epiphany.
I know what you all are thinking. But I do not care. I think it is a woman’s right to improve herself in any way she sees fit. It is like Lasik surgery. Who are we to judge what a woman should or shouldn't do with her body? Society should accept fake boobies and love them, just as I do. As for my kids being made fun of, toughen up you little shit! If mommy didn’t have those you would not be alive.
G#3 Douche bags “icing” Douche Bags:
Know how I know you are gay? You went to a store bought Smirnoff Ice and tried to get a man drunk and on his knees. Yeah - you are queer. For those of you lucky enough to not know what Bros Icing Bros is: I will give the short version. You try and make another man touch or accidentally find a Smirnoff Ice on their person or around them. Then he has to get on one knee and chug it.
Or here is a link to show you how douche this is: http://www.wonderhowto.com/how-to-play-bros-icing-bros-smirnoff-ice-drinking-game-375794/
Is this not the fucking gayest thing since skinny jeans? If you have ever Ice’d or been Ice’d please come out of the closet. Because if some guy tried to Ice me, I would crack that fucking bottle of Smirnoff over his head for lying to me for however long we've known each other, about him being queer. Ice that.
G# Overtime/Quips/Notes/Extra Baggage.
-Why does Kimora Lee-Simmons' neck look like a pack of cold hot dogs?
-Has anyone ever seen the advertisements for Astroglide? What a great and fitting name for a product. I can’t wait to say "Honey, pass the AstroGlide” and see the look on her face.
-Why do those big sunglasses make ugly girls look decent? I think its complete hotness fraud! There should be some type of law against them. Complete summertime mis-representation.
-LeBron James really signed with the Miami Heat because he wants to be on the next season of Basketball Wives.
G# Next Week/Coming Soon:
Mel Gibson: Warrior Poet, explained.
Lady Gaga: Put some Clothes on
NEW SECTION: Gwynne-Eats: NYC Restaurant Review
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